Loss and grief in the time of coronavirus have delivered a one-two punch to the head and gut. When the pandemic descended on us, suddenly and silently, we didn’t have time to process what would be ahead.
The pandemic has thrust many unexpected losses on us that may overwhelm our coping abilities. We’re grieving the loss of certainty, loss of jobs, loss of contact, loss of daily routine, and—for many—loss of life due
to COVID-19. We may have lost or postponed milestone events like weddings, graduations, reunions and anniversaries. We’ve lost those opportunities to gather and be part of the social
fabric of daily life. We are anxious about lives: our family, our friends, our ability to provide for ourselves and pay our bills. We’re grieving for our future.
The grief may be more intense because we’re grieving alone due to stay-at home guidelines and quarantines. We can’t mourn those losses, receive love and support, or participate in those familiar
rituals and practices that help us process loss and heal.
What do we do with loss, death and grief in a time of COVID-19?
Believe it or not, the Book of Job, which I reference in a class I teach on difficult conversations, offers good examples of what to do—and what not to.
You may recall that Job, a wealthy man, traumatically and catastrophically lost all seven of his children, his livestock and his wealth in a short window of time. Grief-stricken, he sat in silence for seven
days. His friends came and sat in silence with him. Then they started telling him what they thought had caused his sudden loss, what he should do, and how he should get over it. He was furious and hurt and knew that he had done nothing
to incur these losses. He argued with his friends; then he argued with God.
Finally, God answered Job out of a whirlwind. He asked Job many questions for which Job had no answers, such as where was Job when the world was created? When Job realized he would never understand all of life’s questions,
including the “why” of his total loss, he was able to go forward. It’s not necessarily a happy story, but an important one for our time.
So what can we learn from Job and how can we use that to care for ourselves and others?
First, know that grief is not merely a set of symptoms that start after a loss and then eventually fade away. Grief will come in stages and waves, often when you least expect it. People do not get “over”
loss and grief. They emerge as different people. You may feel guilt, or experience “what if” or “if only” thinking. You may be angry and irritable, or numb, unfocused and fatigued. You may sleep much
more—or less—than normal. You may have over-the-top anxiety.
There are no cookie-cutter answers to what you should do, but here are a few suggestions based on my 15 years of volunteering with Hosparus and research on grief, despair and death:
Acknowledge the loss and all the resulting feelings. As Toni Morrison wrote, “When you name it, you have power.”
Anticipate that grief will take time to navigate, especially now.
Know that there will come a time to embrace and be embraced. Yes, quarantine may keep us from our loved ones at their death or in any time of loss. But the time to be with others will come. Fogs
lift, dawn replaces night.
Practice the rituals and routines that are comforting to you, whether that is reciting familiar scripture and prayers, singing hymns or songs or lighting candles. Consider a virtual funeral, wake,
or shiva.
Reach out to connect with others, by email, text, note, or phone call.
Get help. Few people are prepared to cope with traumatic grief. Grief counselors, trained clergy and crisis hotlines are invaluable.
Strategies to help people experiencing grief may need to be modified with the limits imposed by coronavirus safety guidelines. Here are some ways to be of help now:
Be present, whatever that looks like. That’s probably the most important thing you can do. The person may not want to talk, but a text or a note offer powerful presence.
Listen. If the person wants to talk, this is your time to practice active listening. Prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions. Don’t offer explanations. Like Job, know there is no explanation
that can satisfactorily address the loss.
Offer specific help, whether that’s picking up groceries, making phone calls or doing yard work. Don’t say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” That makes more work for
people.
Stay connected. When the crisis of a traumatic death or job loss occurs, people may rally around the person; in a couple of weeks, that attention dries up.
We’re navigating a time in which almost every aspect of our lives has been affected by loss. We must stick to the habits that keep us sane and whole. We know that the end of our isolation will come. Like
our economy, our work, our families, we will be forever changed by our losses, but—like Job—we will come out on the other side to continue life’s journey.
Dr. Gail Henson founded Bellarmine’s Communication Department in 1984. She retired from full-time teaching in 2017 but continues to teach Communication and the Interdisciplinary Senior Seminar. She also conducts workshops
in end-of-life issues, grief and cross-cultural issues related to death. Currently she serves as chair of the Board of Regents for the Kentucky Community and Technical College System.